Jokes for you!

I have begun to re organize the joke page… you will note that I have divided it into one liners and jokes. Hopefully this will be easier to navigate through…

A lot of you have written to say how much you enjoyed these. These are not original but have been gleaned from the many joke pages out there… these are one liners that I like and use (not all of them) …

A suggestion would be to write the one liners that appeal to you and have that sheet or set of index cards handy so you can review it easily. I have found that if these favorites are floating around your head, they begin to fall out at the opportune moments. Then, when that situation arises again, you are much more likely to have a few of these at the tip of your tongue.

When you study this list, you may find several that relate to each other. Some require a little work to make them fit. For example, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” This can be put together with “My love affair with my car now includes my mechanic… I call it a “garage-a tois”…+…The other day I picked my car up and he told me he couldn’t fix the brakes so he made my horn louder.

See how that works..?

Enjoy, and laugh…

Subject: Truisms
Every teenager should get a high school education, even if they already know everything.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the
end and think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re
just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the
last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice
about men is they’re a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

I’m not 40-something. I’m $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is
another theory which states that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, ‘I wish you’d come to me sooner.’

You read about all these terrorists–most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video
and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration. Get more from the Web.

– –A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can’t spell.

– –Here’s a new invention — a solar-powered clothes dryer.
It’s called a clothesline.

– –Leaders go down in history — some farther down than others.

– –Any man who laughs at women’s clothes has never paid the
bill for them.

– –For every judge operating in an official capacity, there
are 100 who are self-appointed.

– –It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are
most likely to be remembered.

– –The more you know, the more you know you ought to know.
How about a few heckler lines….

I don’t know what your problem is,
but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce!

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you’ve set aside this special time
to humiliate yourself in public

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

Yes, I am an secret agent — but my duties are largely ceremonial.

Your ideas sound reasonable. Time to increase my medication.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Euphemisms For Stupid People

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney’s clogged.

Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Her sewing machine’s out of thread.

His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Slinky’s kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Big like ox, smart like tractor

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?
3. You! Off my planet !!
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be…?
6. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
12. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you
haven’t fallen asleep yet.
14. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
17. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
18. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
19. Okay, okay, I take it back
20. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
21. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
22. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep
inside the earth.
23. Earth is full. Go home.
24. Is it time for your medication or mine?
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
26. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
27. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
28. When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Practice random acts of intelligence
and senseless acts of self-control..

Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

If I want to hear the pitter patter of
little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”

Better living through denial.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Meandering to a different drummer.

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

Make yourself at home ….Clean my kitchen!

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Incontinence Hotline…Can you hold, please?

Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with…

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.

43.3% of statistics are meaningless!

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

A.A.A.A.A. – An organization for drunks who drive.

It said ‘Insert disk #3’, but only two will fit.

Which is the nonsmoking lifeboat?

|||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit!

Grow your own Dope – Plant a Politician.

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

The buck doesn’t even slow down here!

Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Don’t worry: the answer’s at the back of the book.

We do precision guesswork.

My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

‘Oh what a tangled web we weave’ – Hair Club for Men.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Shin – Device for finding furniture in the dark.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Everyone has a right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!

Think About It!
I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not
be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I’m
older, I find that I don’t want to do them. ~~Nancy Astor


Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde’s eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii co-sponsored
a bill recommending the mass ringing of U.S. Navy bells in Hong Kong harbor
to welcome the arrival of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its successful
tour of Communist China.

The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the
Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill


The difference between the Pope and your boss is that the Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.

Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at

= = = = = = = = = = =
Women About Women

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes
(at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as tray
eyebrows.-Janette Barber

Who ever thought up the word “Mammogram”? Every time I hear it, I think I’m
supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.-Jan King

A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden
retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The
dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling “Hey,
come back here with my breast!”-Linda Ellerbee

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin

you know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman?
It’s plucking your eyebrows. That’s how I originally got pierced ears.-Geri

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.-Carrie

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your
girlfriends.-Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my
head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck

old age ain’t no place for sissies.-Bette Davis

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he
can’t. -Rhonda Hansome

The phrase “working mother” is redundant.-Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the
windows.-Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half
as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together – and your body
starts falling apart.-Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at
once.-Jennifer Unlimited

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible
warning.-Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years
before they realized I actually had a hearing loss…and they called ME slow!-Kathy Buckley

Behind every successful woman…is a substantial amount of coffee.-Stephanie

Behind every successful woman…… is a basket of dirty laundry.-Sally


1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be “meetings”.

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His
messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens……somebody will find a way to take it too

8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often that
person is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice

11. Never lick a steak knife.

12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13. “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.”

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

15. Your friends love you anyway.

The 5 Stages of Drunkenness
Stage 1 – SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes
for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger
knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that
you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under
the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of
money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because
course you’re still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It
matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for
that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt
you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you
fancy and challenge them to a battle of the wits or money. You have no fear
losing this battle, because you are SMART, you’re RICH, and Hell, you’re
better looking than them anyway!

This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do
anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress the
people whom you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk
the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear
and because you’re still SMART, you know ALL the words!

A rabbi asked a 6 year old boy what his favorite bible story was…I guess the one about Noah and the Ark, where they floated around on the water for 40 day s and 40 nights, replied the boy.

That was a good story, a said the rabbi, ã and with all that water, I bet they had a good time fishing, don’t you think?
The boy thought for a moment, then replied, I don’t think so…they only had 2 worms!
Influencing The Jury
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to
hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge
of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the
manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very
difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

“Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”
Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife

17. “I finished the Oreo’s”
16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs
40 pounds.”
15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!”

14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl”
12. “Darned if you ain’t about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella. ‘
11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta
10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”
6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today!”
5. “Got milk?”
4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
… and…
1. “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger………..”


The health and safety committee installed this sign:
“Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria”.
A few days later, this was neatly printed underneath:
“Socks can eat any place they want.”

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

“Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My
wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son
wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y

“But where are all your cattle?”
“So far, none have survived the branding.


You know it’s time to join e-mailers anonymous when . . .

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on
the way back to bed.
9. Your last child is named dotcom.
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap… and
your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for
the free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ????
And the number one sign that you know it’s time to join e-mailers
1. After reading this list, you e-mail it to someone else.
A woman had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.
“Aha”, she thought, “I have that monogrammed silver tray from
my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a
silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on
it. Voila, one cheap wedding present!”

So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her
monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took one
look at the tray, shook his head and said, “Lady, this can
only be done but so many times!”

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
to fetch a pail of water.
Poor little Jill
forgot her pill,
and now they have a daughter.
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she’d “just take a chance.”
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.


Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the
first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then leave this pub right now!” and
approached a second man. “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then leave this den of Satan,” said the priest, as he walked
up to O’Toole. “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“No, I don’t Father,” O’Toole replied.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, “You mean to
tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole smiled, “Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now.”
= = = = = = = = = = =
A lady is walking down the street to work and
sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird.
The parrot says to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her
work.On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window
and the parrot upon seeing her says, “Hey lady, you are
really ugly.” She was incredibly ticked now. The next day
on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it
said, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and
threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed.
The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird
wouldn’t say it again. The next day, when the lady walked
past the store after work the parrot said to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said
with a hoarse voice, “Yes?”
The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky
manner, said, “You know.”
= = = = = = = = = = =

Jokes for you!!

The Vet
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself
through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two
vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and
their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore,
his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,
“Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way,
you get your dog back!”

>If all the cars in the United States
>were placed end to end, it would
>probably be Labor Day Weekend. –Doug Lars

If all the people who fell asleep in church
were laid end-to-end, they’d be much more comfortable.

Bob sent along some other
music-oriented pieces ….

Little boy at a cello recital to mother:
“When he saws it in half, can we go home?”

Little boy at a vocal recital: “Mother,
why is that man beating her with that stick?”
Mother tells him that the conductor is not
hitting her with his baton. “Then why is she
screaming so loud?”

“Based on what you know about him in history
books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln
would be doing if he were alive today?

1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

2. Advising the current President.

3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

— David Letterman

From: “Gunther, Tina”

Thoughts To Make You Think And Smile
(from various sources)

The trouble with Sunday drivers is,
they don’t drive any better during the week.

If you can’t keep a secret, you don’t need to know it.

Quote from the boss: “I didn’t say it was your fault.
I said I was going to blame it on you.”

If you want the world to beat a path to your door,
just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

Measure wealth not by the things you have,
but by the things you have for which you would not take money.

When your dreams turn to dust, it’s time to vacuum.

Is your holier side your altar ego?

Art Wolinsky writes to “Have A Nice Day”
concerning one of their recent emails:

This is the best one of this type of email I’ve seen.
You must follow the rules on this one exactly, otherwise
it won’t. work. It’s really scary how this works out.

First, get a pen and paper.

Second, write the numbers one through six.

Next to number one, write any number…

Next to to number two write the name of anyone
to which you are really attracted…

Next to three, write down the first color you can think of…

Next to number four, write the name of your first pet….

Next to number five and six write down the name of
a family member…

Remember …
no cheating …..
Keep scrolling down……..
Don’t cheat, or you’ll be upset…….
Here are the answers….

1. The number next to number one shows how many times you should
slap your forehead with the palm of your hand for thinking that
stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything.

2. The person named next to number two is someone who
thinks less of you because you’re stupid enough to
waste your time on something like this….

3. The color you picked means nothing. It’s just a color.

4. Number four gives you the name of a dead animal….

5. Numbers five and six represent family members who are
embarrassed to be related to you.


======= JAVA JIVE =========================
======== Rex Johnson

You just completed another sweater
… and you don’t know how to knit.

You walk 20 miles on your treadmill,
… before you realize it’s not plugged in.

When someone ask, “How are you?”
… you reply: “Good to the last drop.”

Your first-aid kit contains
… two pints of coffee with an IV hookup.

You haven’t blinked since the last solar eclipse.
Starbuck’s owns the mortgage to your house.
You named your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You help your dog chase its tail.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people’s fingernails.
You get a speeding ticket, and you’re parked.
You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill-of-beans.

A three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother
noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, “Son,
your shoes are on the wrong feet.”

He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, “Don’t
kid me, Mom, I KNOW they’re my feet.”


On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said,
“If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.”
A little voice from the back of the room asked,
“How will that help?”

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store
and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box
of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,”
the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”


A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read,
“The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of
the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”


Three elderly ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One
said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in
front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away,
or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady chimed in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of
the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way

The third one responded, “Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock
on wood.” As she rapped her knuckles on the table, she told them “That must
be the door, I’ll get it!”

New sayings that SHOULD be on Buttons

Some of this was adapted from: Have A Nice Day!

“Sir,” said the timid employee to his boss, “my wife says I’m to
ask you for a raise.” “Fine,” the boss replied. “I’ll ask my wife
if I can give you one.”

Even if you’re on the right track,
you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
– Will Rogers –

“My doctor recently told me jogging could add years to my life.
I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”
–Milton Berle

The moon may be smaller than Earth,
but it’s a lot further away.

Man does not live by words alone, despite
the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
–Adlai Stevenson

An editor is one who separates the wheat
from the chaff and prints the chaff.
–Adlai Stevenson

It is the business of little minds to shrink.
–Carl Sandburg

Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard
to please because nobody tries to please him.
–Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”

Harrisberger’s Fourth Law of the Laboratory:
Experience is directly proportional
to the amount of equipment ruined.

As many of you know I have been traveling quite a bit recently and
once in awhile, the announcements over the planes PA system are quite
humorous. Here area a few gems of note…

“As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wing of the airplane.

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”

Pilot — “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride.”

Here are a few heard from Northwest: “Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting
like children.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight.”

Upon landing hard, one pilot got on the PA system and said,
“Sorry for the hard landing, folks. It wasn’t the pilot’s fault,
and it wasn’t the plane’s fault. It was the asphalt.”


Marriage Counseling

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage
was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some
time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped
right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the
problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without
anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour,
describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to
her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat
her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in
disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that
at least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

The FDA is considering 13 additional warnings on beer and alcohol
bottles, such as:

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
an idiot.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
same boring story over and over again until your friends want to

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to hay shings like

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name
you can’t remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you
are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy
named Kerry.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of
time may seem to literally “disappear,”

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.